How to...

Holding your own in a poker tourney

2007-05-21T13:42:00.000-05:00

Above: The coveted "royal flush"

Playing poker can be very intimidating when they are a bunch of men sitting around you. You have to wonder, I know they think I am a lousy player, so you really want to show them you belong. You chug beer, swear like your plumber, and sit with your legs (gasp!) open. So now that you have acclimated to the testosterone filled environment, it's time for attitude to set in.

You know what, no matter what you see the pros do, don't wear those damn sunglasses! What's the matter with you, you don't know how to hide your excitement or disappointment over the cards you got? No one needs to know what you have. If you're the kind of person who can't keep a secret, your dumb ass doesn't belong at a poker game. You need to act like you know what you're doing. Pretend you have some knowledge of the game. Yeah, you got pocket Aces, and you're not gonna let them see you sweat.

Stop looking at your cards, do you think they're going to magically change? If they are good, they are good. If they are bad then fake it or fold. Don't keep checking a bad hand, the other players will know you are either nervous or have nothing. Remember what you have and stop checking it against the community cards. The only time you should do that is if you want people to think you are checking them, which means you are bluffing. Your cards are as related as I am to Bill Clinton, but you want people to be nervous and think you have a hand. This only works if the community cards can follow a flush, straight, or pair.

Talk. Talk about everything and anything but don't talk about the cards. Everyone there should think, damn, why is she so relaxed? She must have a good hand! Do I want to go against her. Smile when the flop is dealt, these are the cards of your dreams! Or where have you been 6 of hearts...who knows? Maybe you have a pair of 6s. Nobody knows what you got. That three of a kind will make you less popular than the person who carries the "666" moniker. You just want to win, so you better damn well smile. People need to know you are a force to be reckoned with.

So now what are you gonna do? Well, if you have a good hand, be aggressive, b-e aggressive! Now you don't want to scare people, maybe you want to bet a little, going up and up. If you are playing with newbies, don't go all-in. Their dumb asses will call you and if they get lucky (like they normally do), you will be out of chips. And you deserve to be in there, because you are a good player. So be smart and lay low. Be conservative with the newbies, aggressive with the pros. They will know you have a hand and either back off or step up. But you have a good hand, and you must play it! This is gambling people!

Now that you've trash-talked, bluffed, burped, and turned yourself into this bloated, cursing, effective player, it's time for you to remember why you came: TO WIN! Keep that winning attitude and you are sure to be "in the money." Isn't that why you entered this damn thing to begin with?

To test your skills: Don't be a donkey and All In Bitches

How to drive in NJ

2007-05-18T14:29:00.000-05:00

Ah, NJ. The Garden State. Makes you think of flowers and rolling green hills, not sewage smells and pothole laden roads. On the perilous freeways lurk the drivers well-known by the metonym "Jersey Driver."

Folks, the "Jersey Driver" is "intelligent." The JD drives on the wrong side in a parking lot, always "blocks the box," like the cockblocker ugly chick at the bar. JD's love to cut you off on the road, only to go 20 mph slower than you were going when they cut you off. They also like to honk a millisecond after the light turns green, and my personal fave, run through red lights and stop signs. They don't believe in yielding. In this state, I have witnessed them blow by school buses and make illegal left turns.

If you have to drive regularly around here, read below and take precaution:

Always look around you when driving. There is no conversation to be had while you are driving and if so, don't take your eyes off the road. Because as soon as you do, that old lady is going to blow past that yield and ram into your car, claiming that you were in her blind spot. Not to mention that man is texting on his cell phone while gelling his hair in the fashion of Sonic the Hedgehog.

Wait a couple of seconds before going after the light turns green. Since there are no cameras on streetlights in NJ, JD's blow past them like you blew on dandelions as a child. Don't say I didn't warn ya.

Don't get caught up in road rage. Trust me, this is A LOT HARDER THAN IT SOUNDS. People will do crazy things, like cut you off and then hit their brakes because you've wronged them by just being on the road. Take it easy. There are a lot of young people out there who haven't figured out how to figure out that actions go hand in hand with consequences.

Yield to drivers. Just because they don't lend you the same courtesy doesn't mean you can't "pay it forward" to the next driver. If more people were like you, we'd have a lot less accidents.

Ok, I have nothing against Mexican laborers, but damn it! Everytime they are on the road they drive like my grandmother on morphine. For the love of God, we all know there are 50 of you crammed in the back of that pickup truck so you don't want to get pulled over, but we got places to go too! Don't wind up behind those bastards. Just proceed with caution and move the hell on.

This part is not about drivers, it's about pedestrians. It's important that you look at those "waiting" to cross. I say "waiting" because they really just walk into the street and don't look for cars that may be coming. Remember, pedestrians ALWAYS have the right of way, no matter how much that sucks. And apparently people in NJ are not used to cars constantly going down the street or are well aware of my former statement and don't give a crap. They are just going to walk onto the street and you will have to deal with that.

Well, if you follow these tips you should get home in one piece. For some practice, drive on Routes 17, 3, 1 & 9, and the Garden State Parkway.

Don't wind up in the po'house

2007-05-10T09:38:00.000-05:00

So this year, I have made a highly political and controversial decision to not buy Mother's day gifts for anyone except MY mother. Seriously folks, this is out of control.

Not only do I have to cram shopping for these moms (my aunts, grandmother, sisters) into one day. I have to spend money I don't have. I am going on vacation in a few weeks, I need all the dough I can save. I also pay for a car, apartment, utilities. I am single. I can't afford it. At this point, I have to make smart decisions about how I should save money.

So a how-to guide on saving money. Pay yourself first!!! Do not get "guilted" into buying gifts for people. What if you never get married? You will never share expenses with anyone else then...and I am sorry! It's not right that I should have to forego saving some money because you are picky about gifts. It's not like I could get away with getting a nice body spray or accessory. My aunts would only probably accept a shirt for a gift, and I don't even want to get into the specifics of how the shirt ought to look.

I am not an asshole. I understand that people have their own tastes. But if I can't get away with getting you a gift card to Barnes & Noble, I really don't want to be bothered. Since when did gift giving allow for the receiver to be so choosy? Well, this will result in me not getting you a gift. And quite frankly, I wouldn't care if I never got another gift from them around Christmas time. I already have $15 withdrawn from my checking weekly just so I can shop with ease around Christmas. Dude, that's $780!!! Why do I need to spend nearly $1000 a year when I am not "gainfully employed"? It's too stressful. I have a pension, but I have no real savings. Oh, and did I mention I will have to start paying student loans soon? I would have to be in the Peace Corps for 8 years to pay them off...but I can't...because I have bills to pay!

So Mom's here it is..."Happy Mother's Day!" That should be enough...

Oh, and here are some "Mommy, mommy" jokes... http://www.lotsofjokes.com/cat_07.htm

Driving etiquette

2007-05-09T14:48:00.000-05:00

How about I talk about a funny experience I had not too long ago while in NYC? I was driving to a bar with my friends on the East Side. We arrived and were looking for parking, when 'lo and behold, there was a spot. My friend tells me about it, so I pop a U-ey. But first, I had to back up(I can't remember why). All of a sudden I hear a honk behind me and my friends are shouting all around me so I brake and look back. My friends tell me, "You almost hit that woman," so I go, "Ok," and proceed to do my U -(or K) turn. I get to the other side, and my friends are telling me that this old lady is giving me the finger. Well, in response I wave. Don't ask me why she is still on the other side of the street, when she could have gone through the light about three times at this point. So I hear some whining (almost like the old operator voice), and I roll down the window to hear, "That wasn't very smart" in her whiny, "Why don't my kids ever come to see me?" voice.

So I try to be nice (Hey I cried in "The Notebook", and actually have a soft spot for old people) but she kept on saying the same thing. So I finally lost it and said, "SHUT UP!! No one is listening to you!!!" Now that I think of it, I should have thought I am probably not the first person to tell her that. Or I could have responded, "Hey, I loved your work in Cocoon!" I was raised to respect the elderly, but dude, she gave me the finger!! And she totally took for granted that I am not going to get out of the car and beat the Metamucil out of her! On a Saturday night in NYC, and I am not alone. She should be more careful with her words is all I'm saying. Any thoughts on my behavior? Was it reprehensible?

How to unwind

2007-03-20T11:05:00.000-05:00

If you are anything like the contributors to this site, this is your day:

Wake up around 7-ish, get ready and go to work. Work an 8 hour shift. Go home and read. Or go to class. Go to bed at 11-ish. Friday nights are spent with your nose in a book. Papers due. Topics to think about. Deconstruction all around, and not only in the literature-in you brain!! Competition, anxiety...counting the credits until you are done. Trying to figure out where or how you will get your phD. Ok, you get the picture. If you are always in this hyper state of consciousness, you will find this post very helpful. Tips on relaxing and learning to lighten the proverbial load you are carrying on your shoulders. And yes, I am aware that other people have bigger problems, like where they will sleep at night or get their next meal. So save your sarcastic comments for the next NPR show.

Tips on relaxing

1. Meditating - It is a great way to center yourself, focus, and breathe easier.

2. Walking - Releases tension and allows you to familiarize yourself with your surroundings.

3. Cardio - If you are upset, by the end of the workout you will be so tired, you won't even think about what upset you to begin with. Not to mention those wonderful endorphins.

4. Spa day - Pamper yourself with a massage, pedicure, facial, manicure. Maybe you just need to be touched ;-) There is something to be said about the healing powers of the hands.

5. Vacation - If you can afford this AND you have the time, it is highly recommended.

6. Paint - Even if you are bad, you can find it to be quite therapeutic.

7. Listen- Music can be soothing, as long as it's mellow and allows you to escape for a little while.

8. Touch- If you have a "pettable" animal, spend time with them. Both of you will benefit. Play. Pet. Cuddle.

9. Get out - Go to the park and just sit.

10. Driving - I love hitting golf balls. And I am good at it. It's fun to see it sail over the green. It's about $5 for a huge bucket of balls. Just do it!!

Hope this is helpful.

How to: Work it on Spring Break

2007-03-13T09:55:00.000-05:00

Ahhh... Spring Break. That time of year in a co-ed's life when new spring wardrobes are unveiled, tequila is chugged, and trying to look "hot" to the opposite sex becomes the way of life. Below I'll list a couple of Do's and Don'ts when it comes to how to be have on Spring Break.

Do's:

Do make the most of your trip. If you're heading to an exotic locale, don't just get wasted, sleep until 3:00 and do it again. Take day trips. Take a surf lesson. Get some sun you pale, whitey.

Do wear sunscreen.

Do hydrate often.

Do act a' fool. But not too much a' fool.

Do get a bikini wax.

Do shave your armpits, hippie.

Don'ts:

Don't find a "vacation boyfriend". My friends from college and I always joked because we had friends who, no matter where we went, ended up with "vacation boyfriends". This is when a girl meets a guy during day or night #1 and continues to make out, stalk, annoy, and then get broken up with by this same guy during the span of a week or less. Don't do it.

Don't go home with a stranger.

Don't wear a backless shirt. And at that, don't wear anything that you wouldn't wear back home either. You don't want to look back at the pictures years later and call yourself a slut. You just don't.

Don't puke at a bar and then try to find a boy to make out with.

Don't ditch a friend. Don't leave a friend with a douche bag.

Don't attempt the triple kiss.

Don't kiss your girlfriends for attention.

Don't let a strange dude lick a shot off your belly.

Don't think you're cute and speak Spanish to the Mexicans based on your Spanish I and Spanish II courses in high school.

Don't screw with the locals anywhere you go.

Don't be the psycho girlfriend!!!

2007-03-09T13:50:00.000-05:00

Yes, it's hard. Relationships are very hard. How does a guy deem a girl as "psycho" when describing her to his next (yes I said it) girlfriend? When a guys says psycho, does he mean needy, whiny, temperamental, or moody? All of the above. How can a girl stop herself from being the psycho ex? Examine the list and see if you fall into any of the categories.

Let me count the ways ---

You:

1- Call him more than 2xs a day and he hasn't called you once yet.

2- Tell him you miss him when you just saw him 5 minutes ago.

3- Ask him to come by and if he doesn't, you give him the silent treatment or worse, throw a temper tantrum.

4- Move in a few days or just a couple of weeks into the relationship.

5- Drunk dial him more than once a week.

6- Talk about your children together and you have been together less than a year.

7- Arrange his clothes drawers.

8- Do his laundry and you don't live together.

9- Don't want to go anywhere without him.

10- Are jealous of his friends and family.

11- Cry when he leaves you for the night or to go out with friends or family.

12- Call him repeatedly when he's out.

13- Expect him to let you know his every move.

14- Call him excessively at work.

15- Expect him to call you every day (GET REAL!!!)

16- Tell him you've talked to your therapist about him.

17- Tell him you just want to love him.

18- Tell him how he feels about you

19- Start using the word "we" when you are really talking about "you."

20- Don't listen to what he is saying and try to tell yourself what you think he means, and proceed to tell him.

I am sure I am missing loads more, please feel free to post your comments.

Online dating...

2007-02-22T11:37:00.000-05:00

The precarious and exciting world of online dating. You have to be a smart cookie to pull this off. We all know there are many popular dating sites like eHarmony and Match. What we don't know is who their members are.

Do not go thinking right away that online dating is for losers. It has changed very much since it's emergence. It's not easy to meet people, especially if you don't go out much, and after a certain age, you really don't want to meet someone at a nightclub or a bar who thinks you are going home with them. Unless, of course, that's what you want.

For the smart dater who doesn't want to waste her time, here are a few tips:

1- Do not talk to anyone unless they have a picture posted, unless you want to guess what he looks like.
2- Talk about yourself, but be careful what you say. You don't want this person loooking you up at work, or showing up at school.
3- If you do go out, meet somewhere. Do not get into a car with a stranger!
4- In your profile, state what you are looking for: friendship, relationship, marriage. Be upfront if you don't want to waste your time.
5- If your heart isn't in it, don't respond to the "winks" and "smiles" you get. Trust your instincts.
6- Put pictures of yourself doing the things you like, so that the guy has a good idea of who you are.

Make sure you are not readily available when he wants to chat. Just because you are doing the online dating thing doesn't mean you have to be glued to your computer. You may meet someone when you are out and about.
Happy dating!

What (Not) to Wear to Work

2007-02-21T10:05:00.000-05:00

I'm usually not overly critical of the way people dress, but today I noticed a disturbing "fashion" (note: quotation marks indicating sardonic tone) trend that is causing -- no -- propelling me to feel I must take a stand. Ladies, I comment on this for purely altruistic (and probably aesthetic) reasons and in no way does the following statement reflect the way I feel about anyone personally, should you find yourself fitting into the category I am about to expound upon. That said ...

It is entirely inappropriate to wear a velour or brushed fleece sweatsuit to work. If you are unclear as to what exactly I mean, here's a picture:

And here's another one:

These "offenders" were taken directly from the QVC website. Clearly, however, someone on QVC "got wise" to the usage malapropos of their wares and included the following explanatory text in their description:

Step out in completely coordinated comfort and style. This three-piece set is a perfect fit for running errands, a casual day at home, or for a friend's laid-back fiesta.

Case in point: Work is neither "running errands", "a casual day at home", nor is it "a friend's laid-back fiesta". If you are still unclear as to whether you can wear such attire around the office, it's best that you avoid QVC altogether.

Also, please note that just because your butt says "juicy", that does not mean you are exempt from the commentary regarding the above mentioned articles of clothing. Furthermore, bedazzling your accouterments with holiday-color-specific rhinestones does not metamorphose your clothing into "business casual".

For any other questions or concerns, please post comments. I will return fire as I see fit.

Act like a celebrity

2007-02-16T18:28:00.000-05:00

There are many ways in which to act like a celebrity. They are not so different as we are. After reading this post, you will be passing out with the best of them in a nightclub.
First, you need to look the part. Now, get out that high interest credit card, and max it out on Juicy couture, Louis Vuitton bags, and hair extensions.
Next, you will need accessories. Not to worry, these are not that expensive...you just need to always hold a Starbucks coffee in one hand, and a small rat (I mean dog) in the other while texting your friends on your Swarvoski crystalled sidekick and driving in your Mercedes Benz, BMW, or Land Rover.
Now, you have to work on your personality. You can be super-sweet and work with charities, or superfreaky and work for the crackheads. Or you can be out of this world, and become a Scientologist! Either way, you will be popular, it just depends on the people YOU want to surround yourself with.
Next, hook up with a hot celeb. Gay, straight, taken whatever! Just get yourself pregnant!!! This way, people will be vying for photos of your baby. If you can help it, try to have twins. Double the pleasure, you know.
One last thing, and probably the most important. You must develop a vice. Whatever you are addicted to, rest assured there is a rehab for it. The top addictions are listed in the order of popularity: painkillers, alcohol, cocaine, heroin, and crack.
Now that you are equipped with this fine wisdom, go out there and make a fool of yourself (I mean become a celebrity).

We'll Really Miss The Way You ... (The Eulogy Game)

2007-02-09T08:34:00.000-05:00

In honor of the untimely death of ex-model/diet spokesperson/ is-she-drunk-or-really-like-that?/ media whore, Miss Anna Nicole Smith, I have created a template for you with which you can create your own eulogy for the Mistress of Trim-Spa. Just copy and paste into the comments section and fill in the blanks (remember mad-libs?) and try to avoid such inane generalizations like those of the eye-brow-challenged Nancy Grace who dropped such gems last night on CNN as "It's hard to fathom that this could happen to someone, frankly, so beautiful..." That what could happen? DIE? Beautiful people don't die? ... er ... uh ... just try to stay classy, folks-- after all, we would like to protect this blog's reputation (what else would you expect from a blog that has multiple posts regarding bodily functions?)...

"What a ______ (adjective) day this is."
That's what Anna Nicole would say, no matter what the weather was or what situation she was facing. So even though we are _________ (participial adjective ending in -ed such as saddened, disheartened, etc.) by our loss, we can be comforted knowing Anna Nicole Smith is having a __________ (adjective) day in ________(place).
Today we celebrate her life and the impact she's had on all of us. And let us not forget the way she always handled herself with _______(noun) and ________ (noun) when times were less-than-perfect.
Anna Nicole could always sense when something wasn't quite right in your life.
Call it intuition or insight or perhaps just an abundance of ______ (noun) for her family and friends. It was easy to talk to her, share whatever your problem was, big or small, and she always had a ________ (noun) for you chock full of ________ (noun).
I'm going to miss that.
Most recently, Anna Nicole could frequently be found in _________ (place) working on her ________ (noun). It seemed the older she got the bigger her _________ (body part or internal organ) got. I'm convinced it was that abundance of _______ (noun) that kept the _________ (noun)____________ (verb ending in -ing) moreso than anyone else around.
Her spirit lives on in all of us. Her _________ (adjective) love of __________ (noun) will not be forgotten.

Make new friends, but keep the old...

2007-02-08T13:48:00.000-05:00

... or ditch the old ones. Really, there is something to be said for a little housecleaning every now and then...

With that in mind, what does it mean to be someone's friend? Why is it so difficult to maintain (not to mention make) friendships after the age of 25-ish? Are all people simply jerks in the end?

It seems as if the older we get, the more difficult it is to maintain friendships, especially with those we connected with long ago and now find that connection to be fraying. Let's face it -- things change. Perhaps in order to fully understand/accept this fact, it may be helpful to look at how we develop friendships throughout the years:

1. childhood friends. Many of these start very early. They usually involve a fight over a shovel in the sandbox or the need to have someone push you on the swingset. In reality it's often you, the kids, who bring your parents together and if the 'rents get along and start socializing, you will find yourself forced to spend time with this other child at picnics, birthday parties, vacations, etc. I call this a friendship of proximity (and perhaps to some extent this type of friendship transcends time -- which is to say not a specific friendship, but Friendship as a whole -- do we not simply affiliate and grow an affinity for those who we spend the majority of our time with and are not these relationships governed by accessibility?). Furthermore, as children, we certainly have no political views, for example, over which to conflict. When our worst problems are poopy pants and arguing over whose mommy packs the best lunch, we can get along with mostly anyone.

2. junior high school friendships. Ladies, let's be honest. Who really had a true friend in junior high? We were mostly too busy talking behind each other's backs, deciding who to align oneself with in the lunchroom and worrying about whether or not people knew when we had our periods to even bother ourselves with so-called "friends". The only criterion a girl had to meet to be your friend in junior high school was that she had to be willing to rush into the bathroom during a school dance to stand around and watch you cry over Johnny Heartbreaker, the boy you had a crush on who had been slow-dancing with that bitch Suzy McSluttypants all night.

3. high school friends. You have survived junior high school and now you have made your way into what you can only assume is the biggest part of the proverbial sea of life (of course you are categorically incorrect in this assumption, but what do you know about life when you are between the ages of 14 and 18 anyway?). You are out on your own, swimming with the sharks! As a little fish, your only option is to find some slightly bigger/stronger/prettier fish to swim around with. This is the key to making friends in high school. If you are lucky, you are cute enough that the cute girls let you hang around with them. If you are athletic (and good at your chosen sport) you can rest assured that your team will protect you. Even band geeks seem to form a united front. Just don't find yourself wading into those deep waters on your own. It's about survival, folks, and we all know what we call the little fishy playing in the water all alone: "lunch".

4. college friends. Once you have gotten over the shock of having left everything/everyone you know and (think you) love for the wild world of dorm/university life, you will probably come to a few startling revelations: a. You are a dork. Even if you thought you were cool in high school you really weren't. You were a dork and you are STILL a dork. b. There are people who come to this realization a little later in life (and still some that never do). These are dorks who don't know they are dorks. c. Booze is the great equalizer. It enables dorks and those who don't think they are dorks but are dorks to find a sense of comraderie. It also leads to making out, but that is an issue for another post. The problem arises when the booze wears off. At this point those who don't think they are dorks but actually are dorks may turn into any combination of the following: mean/ugly/flighty/catty/two-faced. They will probably exhibit behavior akin to that of those girls one used to hang out with in junior high school. I have yet to account for the reason behind this regression. The solution? Stay drunk at all times in college. You will be very, very popular. And you will probably make out with a lot of people. You slut.

5. post-collegiate friendships. Congratulations! You have finally graduated to the "real world", a world in which people can handle mature relationships and balance that with appropriate office etiquette, excellent driving skills, husbands, wives, children, vacations, grocery shopping, taxes, electric bills, the stock market, oil changes, alarm clocks, etc. Of course, the abovementioned "real world" only exists if you live in a 1950's sitcom. For most of us, that "real life" thing hits us with the grace of an elephant on roller skates. It's a rat race/neverending puzzle/shitstorm/pickyourmetaphor and hold on. And to muck it all up even more, those close friends you thought you had have all gotten married/had kids/joined a convent/moved to Canada. Maybe you have gotten married/had kids/joined a convent/moved to Canada. At any rate, it becomes harder and harder to maintain those friendships you swore you'd never give up on. It becomes easier and easier to stay in on Friday night with your honey instead of meeting up with the "crew"/"forget" to call someone back/watch an entire season of "Project Runway" in one sitting instead of inviting someone over for dinner. And let's not even get into those "friends" who suddenly decide they don't like the way you've started living your life and decide to TELL you how you should...

So, Rocket, you say, What's the solution? Well, kids, the trick is to find people who aren't jerks. Also, finding people who enjoy the same activities as you is also helpful. Actually, you don't even have to enjoy the same activities -- it's usually enough to just participate in similar activities. Also, booze never stops working. It's a fact. And finally, remember not to be a jerk yourself. If someone calls you, call them back, even if it's to say you're too busy to chat/hang. Be honest, but keep your opinions to yourself. Make time to connect. And start a blog. Follow these rules and you'll never fail. Just remember, your love will get you through. Witness:

rockethutchinsonhighway: i'm writing a piece for the blog on making/keeping friends. i hope you don't mind (I know you have been thinking about this).

Sara*: you bitch!

rockethutchinsonhighway: haha

Sara*: just kidding - obvi

rockethutchinsonhighway: our friendship is over , isn't it?

Sara*: go right ahead sister. you should add this to your post

rockethutchinsonhighway:i will

Sara*: ha

(Please note: Rocket Hutchinson Highway and Sara* are still BFF after the previous exchange. True friends? For sure.)

How to: Sound like a professional.

2007-02-06T13:52:00.000-05:00

I started my career in the world of consulting and my 22 year-old brain could not comprehend what some of my co-workers were talking about most of the time. Between following up and touching base I barely had time to work. After about a year I became proficient in the language of consultant-speak and I realized that this language was universal. It was not only used in the land of consulting, but also in the land of design, accounting, finance, teaching, and most other career fields. Below, I've got some tips of the trade that I've picked up in my 5 years of professional (and I mean, professional experience).

Always confirm everything in an e-mail, i.e., "Dear Sir/Madam/Boss: Per our conversation this morning about coffee, I'd like to confirm with you that Dunkin Donuts is indeed far superior to that craptastic one-cup-only coffee maker we've been using. Thank you, Ms. Hearn." (end example)

Always try to touch base with your co-workers and project managers. Touching base prolongs a task. If you touch base about a task you're technically working on it even if you're just touching base and not working. You see? Complicated, I know.

Use phrases in internal meetings like "crosswalk", "regroup", "vet", "sieve", "collaborate", "facilitate", and "low-hanging fruit".

Walk your clients through an idea and by the end of the phone call or meeting, make sure the emphasis is on their brilliant new idea for the project, not yours, theirs.

Try to have at least 2 meetings per day. Try to have two meetings where you talk about upcoming meetings per week. Send out recaps of the meetings in an e-mail to all who are and could-be involved in the project or task.

C.Y.A.

Try to give everyone you work with a 360 degree review.

Nail down how to be passive aggressive over e-mail. As an added bonus, CC: as many co-workers as possible when acting passive aggressively.

Always take food when there is free food at meetings.

Try to keep a list of priority items, action items, and items tagged for follow-up.

Most of all, try to have fun while learning how to be a corporate drone. It makes life a lot easier if you can laugh at yourself and those around you.

The number deux

2007-02-02T11:10:00.000-05:00

Oh, how agonizing is it when we find an impending urge to purge our intestinal waste and we find ourselves very far from home! We sit and squirm at our desks, trying to ignore the abdominal and back pain, and finally, we must surrender to the physiological need and go number 2.
So let's say you are in a public restroom. The dream scenario is that you are at a theme park or casino, where the flushes are like small typhoons and it's extremely loud with music and kids running in and out. There you can settle in and go (please see Rocket's piece on How to use a public restroom) and do your doo. Plus, the smells are pre-existing so you can be anonymous with your poo. You can go worry-free.
The real test is in the workplace. Not only will you see these people again, but they know your shoes!!! The best time to go is on a "low traffic" time. Never go BEFORE or DURING lunch, which is between 12 -2 pm.
To minimize noise, you can pad the toilet with toilet paper. It will also minimize on the splash up effect that may sometimes happen (and if it does, you may want to look into what you are eating, poo should not drop like the atom bomb). You can also try to go (if people are coming in and out) in between flushes, water running, doors opening, and when people get their paper towels. You have to work fast though in order to pull this off. It's not for rookies.
Now, sometimes you may have the person who came in to do a number deux too. I am afraid to tell you, if that person doesn't want to leave, you're shit out of luck (pun intended). You have just put yourself in a reluctant STAND-OFF. You can wait it out, but if you don't want your co-workers wondering where you are, just book out of there (wash your hands of course). Chances are, they won't come out until you're gone anyway.
Now you are armed, and if you are modest, carry a small bottle of cheap perfume and douse the place. People prefer the smell of a cheap brothel than what you had for dinner last night. :-)

How to survive in the workplace

2007-01-30T10:40:00.000-05:00

In order to survive in the workplace, you must fly under the radar. Always look busy, and never start a scandal in the office. People never forget that. There are several ways to look busy. If you are the type of person who likes to wander around and talk, make sure you don't speak loudly, and everytime you get up from your desk, have a file in your hand? What? You say you don't work with paper? No problem- carry a CD or diskette. Just make sure you have a prop in case the boss passes by.

Another way to stay busy - don't talk. Just listen to your headphones and constantly type. Make sure you have more than one window open so you can click on a "valid" window (such as your email, your work homepage, etc.) Make sure you memorize the sound of your boss walking so you know their steps. I always hear my boss's keys and heavy breathing. His gait is pretty easy to determine.

Stay out of office gossip. It is very tempting and hard to ignore, but keep your opinions to yourself. Try not to listen, or you will be an accomplice when the shit hits the fan. Just nod and listen, or keep your eyes fixed to your computer screen. A perceptive person will stop talking after a while.

Offer to work on projects that keep your boss off your back for a while. This way, you only have to deal with them in short intervals, instead of on a steady basis. The bigger the project, the better. Try to keep communication via email, so your boss never has to pass by your desk and see what you're up to. A weekly email on your "progress" will keep them at arm's length.

Don't do office romance. If it works, people will speculate about your relationship. If it doesn't, you will have to see the schmuck every day. Do you really want that?

Now- GET BACK TO WORK!

How to Manipulate Time and Space

2007-01-29T15:09:00.001-05:00

Actually, I'm still working on the "space" thing, but I think I've found the key to manipulating time (and it has nothing to do with such complicated technology as flux capacitors)...

Don't you just hate when a maniacal madman hides a ticking time-bomb in the basement of your office building (you know, the kind with the giant, red, blinking, digital numbers letting you know just how many seconds you have left until "boom"-doom)? Meanwhile, the sexy bomb-squad leader who resembles Brad Pitt/Val Kilmer/Ewan McGregor/young Robert Redford/[insert attractive-man-of-choice here] is stuck in traffic on the BQE/George Washington Bridge/GSP/NJ Turnpike/[insert well-known-traffic-heavy-route here]? A crowd has gathered 'round the explosives now ... your boss' forehead is glistening with beads of sweat ... a frightening silence spreads across the room ... tick-tick-tick (okay, so digital clocks don't "tick", but for the sake of suspense, bear with me)... five ... four ... Where is our hero? ... three ...
We're all gonna blow! ... two ... Suddenly you realize ... it's up to you to save the day ...

It's moment like these when the power to control time would come in especially handy. That's why I've decided to share my secret with the likes of you, dear readers. Just choose one of these simple methods and you'll be the one receiving accolades for your brilliant display of cunning wit and bravery under pressure...

1. Fall in love (or lust or just really-really like someone). Call your "obsession" when you KNOW s/he is unavailable. Leave a message. Now stare at your phone and "will" him/her to call you back. Under NO circumstances should you divert your attention away from your phone. DO NOT engage in any other activities that may distract you from your purpose (remember, you are trying to control time here -- it may take a little extra concentration than you are used to exerting and even something as mundane as trimming your toenails may interfere with the process). Repeat the following mantra and do not desist until either someone does call you back or the crisis is averted: Call me. Call me. Call me. Trust me, time will decelerate to a slow crawl...

2. Go to the DMV. I am convinced every single Department of Motor Vehicles office was built over some sort of strange time-bending magnetic field that causes not only those who are employed within the building to move inexplicably slowly (think: molasses on queludes), but also causes the second-hand of any analog clock to move 2 seconds backwards for every 1 second forward. This may also work in post offices. It's probably a government conspiracy employed to distract us from larger issues (such as global warming, war-spending, genocide in certain African countries, and what Taco Bell "meat" is really made of), but while we're allowing ourselves to have the wool pulled over our eyes, we might as well get something in return.

3. Get a job. I think we can all agree that the hours between 9am and 5pm (or whatever 8+ hours you put in before "Miller-Time") tend to spread themselves over about 14 hours on average. Seriously. If you don't believe me, do the math.

4. Build a time machine. (I'm not claiming that I know anything about how to go about doing this, but it just seemed like I should include it on this list.)

5. Visit some old people. The more old people you can fit into a room, the better. Ask them to tell you stories about their various gall bladder/hip-knee-shoulder replacement/artificial heart surgeries. This may seem like a waste of your precious time, but studies have shown that God actually slows time down while old people talk about disgusting medical procedures just so you can feel yourself aging while listening to them .

Any one or combination of the above mentioned methods should do the trick. And if you notice a blip in the time-space continuum sometime within the next few days, it's probably just me trying to save the world/waiting for my boyfriend to call/registering my car/sitting at my desk/and listening to Grandma Highway talk about her kidney stones.

How to: date a vegetarian when you're allergic to vegetables.

2007-01-29T14:04:00.000-05:00

You may be asking yourself: "Self, how did this chick even end up with a vegetarian?" "Self, how do they possibly make this work?" I would answer: "Reader, one word: Pizza".

In all seriousness, vegetarians are hot.

No, for real this time. I grew up on the basic 4 food groups: hamburger, peanut butter, ketchup, and macaroni. I was the pickiest child of all time and only ate plain hamburgers, pepperoni pizza, tacos (plain), chips n' salsa, grilled chicken, candy, cake, and french fries. No jokes. When I went away to college and throughout my early 20's, my eating habits gradually expanded to where I was eating some seafood (fried of course), some pastas, steaks, and even salads! I tried sushi when I was 22. I tried Thai food when I was 23.

I met my vegetarian bf (henceforth VBF) in 2004 and he opened my eyes to the world of Tofu and fake meats. Now I've been to Zen Palate, Red Bamboo, and I've tried a variety of Thai vegetarian and Japanese dishes. VBF also really loves pizza so that generally works for us. We're starting a new dinner night where he cooks whatever it is that he's going to eat and I have to eat it too. This will be a good way for me to try things*.

Love works, even when you're opposites. Meatatarian ♥ Vegetarian 4-eva!

* I haven't tried approximately 63% of all vegetables. I decide I don't like them based on their reputations, aesthetics, or the way they "feel in my mouth".

How to be a good 3rd wheel

2007-01-29T10:04:00.000-05:00

May I just say, that if you are in this situation, kudos to you for even showing up. It is very difficult to go out when there are several couples. Even if they don't think they are being "mushy," there are still those intimate conversations that they have peripherally that don't include you. For example, you can be sitting there, having a great conversation about current events when suddenly, one of them may say, oh hey, I got that thing we were talking about the other day. Now, what is this "thing"? Well, you will never find out because you are not a part of this relationship. This is the way it works in a couple. The "thing" could have been hemmorhoid cream for all you know, but you see my point. There is an awkwardness factor.

Try to avoid any conversation that goes within the realm of dating, such as questions about your ex, or questions about who you may (or may not) be dating right now. Try to keep the conversation limited to your interests, current events, any trips you are taking soon, because since you're single, you seem to be the only one going places and following your interests. Everyone else seems to be a clog in the drain, while you are constantly on the go. Therefore, you are the breath of fresh air in the room. Take advantage of it, be funny, confident, and carefree. You should not feel bad about not being in a couple. Do you think it's a bed of roses for them? Some of them are just settling too.

Don't stay the whole night. Make plans to go somewhere else with one of your single friends, and if he or she came with you, make sure you tell them you are not staying the whole night. They have their own comfort zone, and you should have yours. If you are trying to have fun, you don't want to stay with a bunch of couples all night long. You want to go out and mingle. These couples are not going to make new friends with you like when they were single. They have boyfriends now, and can't be so "friendly." Don't let them bring you down with them! You have to branch out now.

Lastly, don't be down on yourself because they are all coupled up. Don't start thinking you are too picky and this is why you are still single. When the right person is going to come along, they will. Don't let them fix you up with anyone or try to get someone's attention to introduce you unless you feel comfortable with it. Just because you are single doesn't mean you are their project. Let them find some other task to keep them happy or feel like their lives are worth living.

How to: throw an "adult" birthday party

2007-01-26T11:45:00.000-05:00

I've never fully grasped the concept of an "adult" party or a "quiet, nice time" or only "having couple of beers" on my birthday or anyone else's who is close to me. More my speed is waking up the day after my birthday and one of the following occuring:

When did we get home?
[giggle] I slept in my dress... again?!
I think I'm going to be sick...
Happy birthday to me! [burp]
I'm never drinking again

So when it comes to planning an "adult" party, we'll have to walk through these instructions together because I've barely got the concept down myself. First of all, I think adults really like to eat fancy types of food (not pizza and pigs n' a blanket... I know, I'm upset by this too) so a party where food is the center of attention instead of Mad Dog 20/20 Riot Wine, is probably a great way to start.

Secondly, regular "nice" wine rather than Mad Dog 20/20 Riot Wine is a great suggestion as a gift to the host or birthday girl/boy because you can share a glass together and talk about all the different flavors you experience, your feelings, and the notes that hit your tongue.

Third, how about a little game?! Adults like to feel as though they are partying like their younger, more hip counterparts and a great way to get the good times rolling is to pull out Pictionary, Cranium, Outburst or the Karaoke-On-Demand.

Lastly, the party must end at midnight or shortly thereafter. The end result is that there are a bunch of drunk, wino, late 20/early 30-somethings sprawled out at your expensive loft, you've spilled wine on your shower curtain and soul, you feel like you have a hangover, you feel like crying or telling someone you love them, you fight with your S.O., and generally make a more-adult-like fool of yourself.

What have we learned today, folks? Well, I think we can safely say that partying like an adult is pretty much just like partying like a youngster except you are dressed nicer (sometimes), you don't consume as much alcohol (common misconception, you just don't drink as much cheap and gross alcohol), and you go to bed earlier than 4:00 am. Couldn't we all benefit in a shift in behavior?

Persuade a guy to tell you if he cheated on you

2007-01-26T09:44:00.000-05:00

Disclaimer: Please forgive this article for being heterosexist, but I can only speak on how to manipulate men in relationships. I make no claims to know how to manipulate a gay woman, but I am open to suggestion.

This is no easy feat, but if you can do it, consider yourself on par with Aristotle, Plato, and the heavy hitters of rhetoric. First off, if you suspect your boyfriend is cheating on you, it’s really not necessary to have an admission of guilt. But, if you are one of those who cannot make a move until she is positive that he is cheating. Now this is how you should proceed.

First, if you’re going to ask this question, your man has to be in an “open” mood. This would be after sex, relaxing and cuddling, or when he has his “vulnerable” moment. Bear in mind that this mood will change rapidly. The key is to keep your cool. Smile and be understanding. Hold his hand. Use some of the “Tips on Guilt Trips.” But do not, I repeat, not, get snide, pouty, angry, or annoyed. This will close the gate and you will have to wait like a patient stargazer waits for the next great meteor shower.

Next, make him gain your trust. Confide (even if you have to make it up) in him about a time you did something skeevy. He will see that everyone makes mistakes, and it’s ok if he made a mistake. Convince him that you won’t be mad if he admits to it, and that you won’t break up with him. Everyone deserves a second chance, right?
If you’re a good poker player, bluff. Tell him someone you know saw him with another girl. If you act like it’s nothing, and you just want to know who it was, he might admit it. Make sure you give nothing away in your facial expression, and check his. It might work, but it can also backfire, especially if he is adamant and asks what she looks like. Be careful with this one…

Observe body language when you talk about your “friend” who is being cheated on. Does he squirm, avoid eye contact, get “mad” with you about it, change the subject, or display signs of ambivalence? These can all be signs that he is doing it as well. Pay attention to his reaction, and then ask if he would ever or has ever done something like that.

If you have any other tactics to add, please feel free to share.

Things to do in an Elevator

2007-01-25T10:40:00.000-05:00

Next time you step into an elevator, try something new...

Push every single button for every single floor.
When the elevator starts moving, wrap your arms around the waist of another passenger and say "Hold me. I'm scared."
Lie down. If the elevator is especially crowded, ask people to move. Then lie down.
Put your hands in someone else's pockets. Then say, "Oh, excuse me. I thought those were mine."
Eat Pop-Rocks.
Belch. Loudly. Observe.
Fart. Quietly. Observe.
Bark.
Face the inside of the elevator.
Ask the guy next you if "that rash ever cleared up?"
Start humming the tune to "Bonanza". Get progressively louder with each segment of the song.
Start a mosh pit.
Take off your shoes.
Bring a drink. Every time you take a sip, exclaim "Ahhhhhhh" and smack your lips.
Duck suddenly.
Breakdance.

How to Make Other People Feel Bad or Tips on Guilt Trips

2007-01-25T10:30:00.001-05:00

Note: The main goal in making a person feel guilty is to not suffer the backlash of guilt, which may sometimes ensue. Proceed with caution:

First and foremost is the most effective: This works but it hurts your integrity: If someone doesn’t want to do something for you, you can “remind” them of all the times you have done something for them. After all, they may have “forgotten” how great of a daughter/sister/friend/girlfriend you are. Unless they have no conscience, you are guaranteed to be successful with this.
Another tactic is the resignation technique: Say “ok” and make your best “sad” face when dealing with rejection. This “resignation” technique should be reserved for a pro, otherwise the person will see right through it. And it cannot be used on a regular basis! Stagger this technique.
If you are a less aggressive person, and not such a great actress, talk about how tired you are and you don’t know how you are going to get through [insert situation].
The independent approach works if you are an extremely prideful person: Tell the person, “You know I wouldn’t be asking you for help if I didn’t really need it. I do a lot of things without asking anyone for help,” and then go into your request.
A final tip: Don’t get whiny or accusatory, it will have a reverse effect. You want the person to feel guilty, and they won’t feel guilty if they are angry.
If this doesn't help I am sorry, I really tried. But you have no idea how hard it is to write this stuff, you never know if people are even reading....
(See how easy it is!!!) :-)

How to deal with Jehovah Witnesses/Mormons/Salesmen/Census takers/the IRS/Telemarketers

2007-01-25T08:52:00.000-05:00

And any other person who has the courage to knock on your door...

Jehovah Witnesses

1- Ok, you can do what my mother did when we were younger, which was to purchase a bumper sticker that basically said, "We are Catholic, and have our own beliefs...please do not knock on our door." Be warned - it's not very effective.
2- Play heavy metal music and answer the door in full Goth makeup and dress. Then, while holding your black candle, ask them if they'd like to join you in worshipping Satan.
3- Fight fire with fire and start quoting Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory to their Scripture.
4- Seize the black briefcase and tell them you are part of a S.W.A.T. team and have to check the briefcase for weapons.
5- Ask them if they believe in the godfather of soul, James Brown.

Mormons

1- Have someone else in your house distract them while you go out and steal the front tires of their bikes.
2- Ask them if you can be one of their wives.
3- Tell them you would like to be a Mormon, but you don't like to sell flowers in the middle of the freeway.
4- Ask them if you can stand on the back of the bike and get a ride into town.
5- When you open the door say, "Thank you God! I was praying for a threesome!!!"

Salesmen/Census Takers

Run to the door and say, "Save yourself!!" and slam the door.

the IRS

Don't mess with them...ever!

Telemarketers

1- Interrupt their whole spiel.
2- Repeat everything they say in their pitch, and every statement thereafter.
3- Pretend you're deaf, and keep saying, "What?" until they yell at you. Then tell them you want to speak to their supervisor because they yelled at you.
4- Ask them if they can give you your ex-boyfriend's new phone number.
5- Bark throughout the whole phone call and explain, between barks, that you have Labrador's disease.

How to Prepare For Childbirth ... An Epistolary Caveat

2007-01-24T11:59:00.000-05:00

A dear friend of mine wrote this while in the midst of her OB rotation. Some of you may find it helpful in the future while others of you will feel slighted for not being privy to this information prior to your own experiences...

Hello Friends,

Although being a student for 2 1/2 weeks in OB rotation does not make me any sort of expert on the subject I have learned a lot about what I would like for my own childbirth experience, or more importantly what I would NOT like and I thought I would share...

Some tips:

1. Unless you want to welcome your new child into the world by pumping him out into a pile of your own feces, as soon as you go into labor, stop eating. In fact, best not eat anything in the last week before you are due. If you haven't appropriately emptied your bowels when the time has come, a quick stop off at the local drug store on the way to the hospital will put a laxative in your hands and a smile on your baby's face.

2. Please take a shower before you go the hospital. When you are scrubbing your undercarriage remember that more people than you have ever wanted or imagined are going to get close and personal with your chach. Pretend that Brad or Angelina or both are going to give you oral pleasure when you get out. Use regular soap first, then shampoo. A good friend of mine once told me that he prefers a girl with a little pubic hair because it holds the scent of the shampoo... whatever works.

3. Shave. It makes the whole process a lot more aesthetically pleasing.

4. If you ever want your husband to have sex with you again, do not let him watch the baby come out of you. If you have a fruity, sensitive husband he might find the experience spiritual. But he will not find it sexy, especially if you neglect to do any of the above mentioned steps. Even if you think that you are never going to want to have sex again you are still going to want your husband to want to have sex with you.

5. When it really starts to hurt, which it will, don't kid yourself - don't say "Ow" . "Ow" is a word reserved for boo boos and owies. When someone gets hit by a car and is lying there bleeding, they don't say "ow". Ow is lame. And if you use it no one is going to believe it really hurts that badly. And if you can't properly communicate your level of discomfort to your husband he is going to think you are a wuss.

6. If your doctor tells you that you need an episiotomy, let him do it. Imagine the difference between cutting your hand with a knife and having your skin pried apart until it tears on its own. Besides, if the doctor gives you an episiotomy you can hate him and get a new doctor next time. If your child gives you an episiotomy you are going to want to punch him in the balls everytime you look at his obscenely massive head.

7. Don't think you are tough for not getting an epidural. You are stupid. Really very stupid.

8. Don't get pregnant when you are 15. Even if your boyfriend promises that he will love you forever. He will not love you when you are fat, which you will be when you are pregnant, even if it is the baby that is making you fat. Your boyfriend is 15 and most likely dopic and doesn't know the difference.

9. Don't get excited and think your baby is "easy-going"/"special"/"quiet"/"sweet" when it sleeps all day and night at the hospital. That's what they do. Their tiny brains are exhausted from being squished through your pelvis. Their brains will reinflate and they will start crying just in time to make your life miserable with lots of crying when you get home. Good luck with that.

If you need a recommendation for good birth control, please call.

Love,

Liz

How to Negotiate a Public Restroom

2007-01-23T20:26:00.000-05:00

In my experience, public restrooms were not designed with a woman in mind. First of all, they are generally about as clean as the underside of a sweaty elephant who has been rolling around in the mud to stay cool. Secondly, and particularly in women’s bathrooms, the person who utilized the facility immediately before you has deposited at least one perfectly placed pubic hair and more than a few droplets of urine on the actual toilet seat. This has always baffled me. While I understand perhaps one might not want to place one’s own naked tush upon a piece of plastic that has recently enjoyed the company of someone else's naked tush, I don’t understand how marking one’s territory with the aforementioned pube/urine dribble is of any assistance to the prior user. I mean, really. This custom (along with other generic yuckiness) is exemplified in what I like to call "the worst of the worst": the grocery store bathroom. Grocery store restrooms are usually located through two heavy swinging doors positioned somewhere between the pork butts and chicken livers. Those not deterred by the facility’s location will undoubtedly find themselves navigating through a dimly lit storage room , trying to find the door marked with the figure of a woman. Having received directions imparted from a woman named “Sheila” at the customer service desk (through the double doors between the pork butts and chicken livers, take a right at the milk crates and it’s just past the body of Jimmy Hoffa…), one would think it would be easy to find. Usually one must also confirm said directions with the lone old man donning a hair net and rubber gloves and way too much acne for someone over the age of 50, who is staring at you with his wandering lazy eye . He will, however, be elated to show you directly to the restroom door, only to wait outside and breathe heavily until you come back out.

There are a few different approaches one can take one you are actually inside the restroom. If you are lucky, the “management” has provided you with a “sani-cover”, aka a thin piece of tissue paper cut in the shape of a toilet seat which you are supposed to place atop the toilet seat to protect your nether-regions from the plethora of diseases hiding in the bowl. Most of the time, however, if you notice a receptacle for these papers, it will be out of stock.

At this time, take a look around the facility. You may need to get creative. Also, feel free to giggle outright at the glaringly ironic sign on the door which states, “If this facility requires attention, please alert one of our associates immediately.” Once you have finished laughing hysterically, resume your search for some other item which will allow you to separate your precious organs from impending infection. If there is no blow torch with which you might purify the seat nor a giant bottle of industrial strength bleach or lye, you may have to resort to a method most of us women are still trying to perfect … the “squat ‘n’ pee”.

WARNING: Do not make your first attempt at this endeavor in a particularly icky restroom. The author of this posting and the administrators of this blog take no responsibility for the injuries one may sustain and/or the diseases one may contract based on the advice provided herein. The following method requires months, if not years, of practice before one might be considered ready to “rock n roll”. We suggest you begin in the woods behind your house. Also, when practicing, please note your legs should always be uphill and upwind from your “spout”.

A few quick items to remember:

1. Be prepared. Realize you may fail at your first few attempts. For this reason, always keep large amounts of instant hand sanitizer within arm's reach at all times.

2. Build up your muscles. This includes not only your leg muscles but also those muscles that control the process of urination. Fortunately when we are potty trained, we pick up the ability to decide when and where to “go”. The ability to stop and start on a whim, however, can be a little more complicated. Practice at home in front of a mirror. Make it a game. See how quickly you can stop the stream from the moment you let it out.

3. Have a “Plan B”. Such a plan might include a family size bottle of instant hand sanitizer (just because it is labeled “hand-sanitizer” does not necessarily mean it can ONLY be used on hands), a spare pair of underwear and shoes, and a bottle of perfume (the latter is more for distraction from the scent of urine that will be emanating from your corpus should you fall).

Once you have been practicing for at least three months, you may feel you are ready to go forth and try your skills in the field. But before you do, try to commit the following cautionary tale to memory:

There once was a girl from Nantucket
Who tried to 'go' in a bucket
Though try as she might
She lost in the fight,
Fell on her ass and said f*%k it.

Good luck, ladies.

50 things to do while not listening to your mother on the phone:

2007-01-23T14:23:00.000-05:00

1- Paint your toenails
2- Go to the bathroom
3- Press mute button
4- Channel surf
5- Cook
6- Clean your bathroom
7- Browse the internet
8- Read
9- Catalog your books
10- Browse ex's photos
11- Burn ex's photos
12- Play solitaire
13- Make cocktails
14- Write shopping list
15- Organize sock drawer
16- Vacuum
17- Spit on random people passing under your window
18- Practice your splits
19- Blow spit bubbles
20- Look at your blackheads
21- Pop your pimples
22- Look at your butt
23- Try different hairstyles
24- Flat iron your poodle's hair
25- Pull out your eyelashes
26- Rewire your apartment
27- Dye your hair
28- Shave your head
29- Self tan
30- Register with an online dating site
31- Paint your apartment
32- Do your laundry
33- Recycle
34- Flick your lights on and off like a discoteque
35- Feed your chia pet
36- Program your VCR
37- Balance your checkbook
38- Catalog your DVDs
39- Make sock puppets
40- Clean the lint out of your belly button
41- Plan your outfits for the week
42- Defragment your hard drive
43- Try on different shades of lipstick
44- Dust
45- Burn a music CD
46- Braid your hair
47- Shave your legs
48- Wax your upper lip
49- Bang your head softly on the wall
50- Answer a personal ad