Holding your own in a poker tourney

Above: The coveted "royal flush"



Playing poker can be very intimidating when they are a bunch of men sitting around you. You have to wonder, I know they think I am a lousy player, so you really want to show them you belong. You chug beer, swear like your plumber, and sit with your legs (gasp!) open. So now that you have acclimated to the testosterone filled environment, it's time for attitude to set in.

You know what, no matter what you see the pros do, don't wear those damn sunglasses! What's the matter with you, you don't know how to hide your excitement or disappointment over the cards you got? No one needs to know what you have. If you're the kind of person who can't keep a secret, your dumb ass doesn't belong at a poker game. You need to act like you know what you're doing. Pretend you have some knowledge of the game. Yeah, you got pocket Aces, and you're not gonna let them see you sweat.

Stop looking at your cards, do you think they're going to magically change? If they are good, they are good. If they are bad then fake it or fold. Don't keep checking a bad hand, the other players will know you are either nervous or have nothing. Remember what you have and stop checking it against the community cards. The only time you should do that is if you want people to think you are checking them, which means you are bluffing. Your cards are as related as I am to Bill Clinton, but you want people to be nervous and think you have a hand. This only works if the community cards can follow a flush, straight, or pair.

Talk. Talk about everything and anything but don't talk about the cards. Everyone there should think, damn, why is she so relaxed? She must have a good hand! Do I want to go against her. Smile when the flop is dealt, these are the cards of your dreams! Or where have you been 6 of hearts...who knows? Maybe you have a pair of 6s. Nobody knows what you got. That three of a kind will make you less popular than the person who carries the "666" moniker. You just want to win, so you better damn well smile. People need to know you are a force to be reckoned with.

So now what are you gonna do? Well, if you have a good hand, be aggressive, b-e aggressive! Now you don't want to scare people, maybe you want to bet a little, going up and up. If you are playing with newbies, don't go all-in. Their dumb asses will call you and if they get lucky (like they normally do), you will be out of chips. And you deserve to be in there, because you are a good player. So be smart and lay low. Be conservative with the newbies, aggressive with the pros. They will know you have a hand and either back off or step up. But you have a good hand, and you must play it! This is gambling people!

Now that you've trash-talked, bluffed, burped, and turned yourself into this bloated, cursing, effective player, it's time for you to remember why you came: TO WIN! Keep that winning attitude and you are sure to be "in the money." Isn't that why you entered this damn thing to begin with?

To test your skills: Don't be a donkey and All In Bitches

How to drive in NJ

Ah, NJ. The Garden State. Makes you think of flowers and rolling green hills, not sewage smells and pothole laden roads. On the perilous freeways lurk the drivers well-known by the metonym "Jersey Driver."

Folks, the "Jersey Driver" is "intelligent." The JD drives on the wrong side in a parking lot, always "blocks the box," like the cockblocker ugly chick at the bar. JD's love to cut you off on the road, only to go 20 mph slower than you were going when they cut you off. They also like to honk a millisecond after the light turns green, and my personal fave, run through red lights and stop signs. They don't believe in yielding. In this state, I have witnessed them blow by school buses and make illegal left turns.

If you have to drive regularly around here, read below and take precaution:

Always look around you when driving. There is no conversation to be had while you are driving and if so, don't take your eyes off the road. Because as soon as you do, that old lady is going to blow past that yield and ram into your car, claiming that you were in her blind spot. Not to mention that man is texting on his cell phone while gelling his hair in the fashion of Sonic the Hedgehog.

Wait a couple of seconds before going after the light turns green. Since there are no cameras on streetlights in NJ, JD's blow past them like you blew on dandelions as a child. Don't say I didn't warn ya.

Don't get caught up in road rage. Trust me, this is A LOT HARDER THAN IT SOUNDS. People will do crazy things, like cut you off and then hit their brakes because you've wronged them by just being on the road. Take it easy. There are a lot of young people out there who haven't figured out how to figure out that actions go hand in hand with consequences.

Yield to drivers. Just because they don't lend you the same courtesy doesn't mean you can't "pay it forward" to the next driver. If more people were like you, we'd have a lot less accidents.

Ok, I have nothing against Mexican laborers, but damn it! Everytime they are on the road they drive like my grandmother on morphine. For the love of God, we all know there are 50 of you crammed in the back of that pickup truck so you don't want to get pulled over, but we got places to go too! Don't wind up behind those bastards. Just proceed with caution and move the hell on.

This part is not about drivers, it's about pedestrians. It's important that you look at those "waiting" to cross. I say "waiting" because they really just walk into the street and don't look for cars that may be coming. Remember, pedestrians ALWAYS have the right of way, no matter how much that sucks. And apparently people in NJ are not used to cars constantly going down the street or are well aware of my former statement and don't give a crap. They are just going to walk onto the street and you will have to deal with that.

Well, if you follow these tips you should get home in one piece. For some practice, drive on Routes 17, 3, 1 & 9, and the Garden State Parkway.

Don't wind up in the po'house

So this year, I have made a highly political and controversial decision to not buy Mother's day gifts for anyone except MY mother. Seriously folks, this is out of control.

Not only do I have to cram shopping for these moms (my aunts, grandmother, sisters) into one day. I have to spend money I don't have. I am going on vacation in a few weeks, I need all the dough I can save. I also pay for a car, apartment, utilities. I am single. I can't afford it. At this point, I have to make smart decisions about how I should save money.

So a how-to guide on saving money. Pay yourself first!!! Do not get "guilted" into buying gifts for people. What if you never get married? You will never share expenses with anyone else then...and I am sorry! It's not right that I should have to forego saving some money because you are picky about gifts. It's not like I could get away with getting a nice body spray or accessory. My aunts would only probably accept a shirt for a gift, and I don't even want to get into the specifics of how the shirt ought to look.

I am not an asshole. I understand that people have their own tastes. But if I can't get away with getting you a gift card to Barnes & Noble, I really don't want to be bothered. Since when did gift giving allow for the receiver to be so choosy? Well, this will result in me not getting you a gift. And quite frankly, I wouldn't care if I never got another gift from them around Christmas time. I already have $15 withdrawn from my checking weekly just so I can shop with ease around Christmas. Dude, that's $780!!! Why do I need to spend nearly $1000 a year when I am not "gainfully employed"? It's too stressful. I have a pension, but I have no real savings. Oh, and did I mention I will have to start paying student loans soon? I would have to be in the Peace Corps for 8 years to pay them off...but I can't...because I have bills to pay!

So Mom's here it is..."Happy Mother's Day!" That should be enough...


Oh, and here are some "Mommy, mommy" jokes... http://www.lotsofjokes.com/cat_07.htm

Driving etiquette

How about I talk about a funny experience I had not too long ago while in NYC? I was driving to a bar with my friends on the East Side. We arrived and were looking for parking, when 'lo and behold, there was a spot. My friend tells me about it, so I pop a U-ey. But first, I had to back up(I can't remember why). All of a sudden I hear a honk behind me and my friends are shouting all around me so I brake and look back. My friends tell me, "You almost hit that woman," so I go, "Ok," and proceed to do my U -(or K) turn. I get to the other side, and my friends are telling me that this old lady is giving me the finger. Well, in response I wave. Don't ask me why she is still on the other side of the street, when she could have gone through the light about three times at this point. So I hear some whining (almost like the old operator voice), and I roll down the window to hear, "That wasn't very smart" in her whiny, "Why don't my kids ever come to see me?" voice.

So I try to be nice (Hey I cried in "The Notebook", and actually have a soft spot for old people) but she kept on saying the same thing. So I finally lost it and said, "SHUT UP!! No one is listening to you!!!" Now that I think of it, I should have thought I am probably not the first person to tell her that. Or I could have responded, "Hey, I loved your work in Cocoon!" I was raised to respect the elderly, but dude, she gave me the finger!! And she totally took for granted that I am not going to get out of the car and beat the Metamucil out of her! On a Saturday night in NYC, and I am not alone. She should be more careful with her words is all I'm saying. Any thoughts on my behavior? Was it reprehensible?

How to unwind

If you are anything like the contributors to this site, this is your day:

Wake up around 7-ish, get ready and go to work. Work an 8 hour shift. Go home and read. Or go to class. Go to bed at 11-ish. Friday nights are spent with your nose in a book. Papers due. Topics to think about. Deconstruction all around, and not only in the literature-in you brain!! Competition, anxiety...counting the credits until you are done. Trying to figure out where or how you will get your phD. Ok, you get the picture. If you are always in this hyper state of consciousness, you will find this post very helpful. Tips on relaxing and learning to lighten the proverbial load you are carrying on your shoulders. And yes, I am aware that other people have bigger problems, like where they will sleep at night or get their next meal. So save your sarcastic comments for the next NPR show.

Tips on relaxing

1. Meditating - It is a great way to center yourself, focus, and breathe easier.

2. Walking - Releases tension and allows you to familiarize yourself with your surroundings.

3. Cardio - If you are upset, by the end of the workout you will be so tired, you won't even think about what upset you to begin with. Not to mention those wonderful endorphins.

4. Spa day - Pamper yourself with a massage, pedicure, facial, manicure. Maybe you just need to be touched ;-) There is something to be said about the healing powers of the hands.

5. Vacation - If you can afford this AND you have the time, it is highly recommended.

6. Paint - Even if you are bad, you can find it to be quite therapeutic.

7. Listen- Music can be soothing, as long as it's mellow and allows you to escape for a little while.

8. Touch- If you have a "pettable" animal, spend time with them. Both of you will benefit. Play. Pet. Cuddle.

9. Get out - Go to the park and just sit.

10. Driving - I love hitting golf balls. And I am good at it. It's fun to see it sail over the green. It's about $5 for a huge bucket of balls. Just do it!!

Hope this is helpful.

How to: Work it on Spring Break

Ahhh... Spring Break. That time of year in a co-ed's life when new spring wardrobes are unveiled, tequila is chugged, and trying to look "hot" to the opposite sex becomes the way of life. Below I'll list a couple of Do's and Don'ts when it comes to how to be have on Spring Break.

Do's:

Do make the most of your trip. If you're heading to an exotic locale, don't just get wasted, sleep until 3:00 and do it again. Take day trips. Take a surf lesson. Get some sun you pale, whitey.

Do wear sunscreen.

Do hydrate often.

Do act a' fool. But not too much a' fool.

Do get a bikini wax.

Do shave your armpits, hippie.

Don'ts:

Don't find a "vacation boyfriend". My friends from college and I always joked because we had friends who, no matter where we went, ended up with "vacation boyfriends". This is when a girl meets a guy during day or night #1 and continues to make out, stalk, annoy, and then get broken up with by this same guy during the span of a week or less. Don't do it.

Don't go home with a stranger.

Don't wear a backless shirt. And at that, don't wear anything that you wouldn't wear back home either. You don't want to look back at the pictures years later and call yourself a slut. You just don't.

Don't puke at a bar and then try to find a boy to make out with.

Don't ditch a friend. Don't leave a friend with a douche bag.

Don't attempt the triple kiss.

Don't kiss your girlfriends for attention.

Don't let a strange dude lick a shot off your belly.

Don't think you're cute and speak Spanish to the Mexicans based on your Spanish I and Spanish II courses in high school.

Don't screw with the locals anywhere you go.

Don't be the psycho girlfriend!!!

Yes, it's hard. Relationships are very hard. How does a guy deem a girl as "psycho" when describing her to his next (yes I said it) girlfriend? When a guys says psycho, does he mean needy, whiny, temperamental, or moody? All of the above. How can a girl stop herself from being the psycho ex? Examine the list and see if you fall into any of the categories.

Let me count the ways ---

You:

1- Call him more than 2xs a day and he hasn't called you once yet.

2- Tell him you miss him when you just saw him 5 minutes ago.

3- Ask him to come by and if he doesn't, you give him the silent treatment or worse, throw a temper tantrum.

4- Move in a few days or just a couple of weeks into the relationship.

5- Drunk dial him more than once a week.

6- Talk about your children together and you have been together less than a year.

7- Arrange his clothes drawers.

8- Do his laundry and you don't live together.

9- Don't want to go anywhere without him.

10- Are jealous of his friends and family.

11- Cry when he leaves you for the night or to go out with friends or family.

12- Call him repeatedly when he's out.

13- Expect him to let you know his every move.

14- Call him excessively at work.

15- Expect him to call you every day (GET REAL!!!)

16- Tell him you've talked to your therapist about him.

17- Tell him you just want to love him.

18- Tell him how he feels about you

19- Start using the word "we" when you are really talking about "you."

20- Don't listen to what he is saying and try to tell yourself what you think he means, and proceed to tell him.

I am sure I am missing loads more, please feel free to post your comments.