Thursday, February 22, 2007

Online dating...


The precarious and exciting world of online dating. You have to be a smart cookie to pull this off. We all know there are many popular dating sites like eHarmony and Match. What we don't know is who their members are.

Do not go thinking right away that online dating is for losers. It has changed very much since it's emergence. It's not easy to meet people, especially if you don't go out much, and after a certain age, you really don't want to meet someone at a nightclub or a bar who thinks you are going home with them. Unless, of course, that's what you want.

For the smart dater who doesn't want to waste her time, here are a few tips:

1- Do not talk to anyone unless they have a picture posted, unless you want to guess what he looks like.
2- Talk about yourself, but be careful what you say. You don't want this person loooking you up at work, or showing up at school.
3- If you do go out, meet somewhere. Do not get into a car with a stranger!
4- In your profile, state what you are looking for: friendship, relationship, marriage. Be upfront if you don't want to waste your time.
5- If your heart isn't in it, don't respond to the "winks" and "smiles" you get. Trust your instincts.
6- Put pictures of yourself doing the things you like, so that the guy has a good idea of who you are.

Make sure you are not readily available when he wants to chat. Just because you are doing the online dating thing doesn't mean you have to be glued to your computer. You may meet someone when you are out and about.
Happy dating!

Wednesday, February 21, 2007

What (Not) to Wear to Work

I'm usually not overly critical of the way people dress, but today I noticed a disturbing "fashion" (note: quotation marks indicating sardonic tone) trend that is causing -- no -- propelling me to feel I must take a stand. Ladies, I comment on this for purely altruistic (and probably aesthetic) reasons and in no way does the following statement reflect the way I feel about anyone personally, should you find yourself fitting into the category I am about to expound upon. That said ...

It is entirely inappropriate to wear a velour or brushed fleece sweatsuit to work. If you are unclear as to what exactly I mean, here's a picture:


And here's another one:



These "offenders" were taken directly from the QVC website. Clearly, however, someone on QVC "got wise" to the usage malapropos of their wares and included the following explanatory text in their description:

  • Step out in completely coordinated comfort and style. This three-piece set is a perfect fit for running errands, a casual day at home, or for a friend's laid-back fiesta.

Case in point: Work is neither "running errands", "a casual day at home", nor is it "a friend's laid-back fiesta". If you are still unclear as to whether you can wear such attire around the office, it's best that you avoid QVC altogether.

Also, please note that just because your butt says "juicy", that does not mean you are exempt from the commentary regarding the above mentioned articles of clothing. Furthermore, bedazzling your accouterments with holiday-color-specific rhinestones does not metamorphose your clothing into "business casual".

For any other questions or concerns, please post comments. I will return fire as I see fit.

Friday, February 16, 2007

Act like a celebrity


There are many ways in which to act like a celebrity. They are not so different as we are. After reading this post, you will be passing out with the best of them in a nightclub.
First, you need to look the part. Now, get out that high interest credit card, and max it out on Juicy couture, Louis Vuitton bags, and hair extensions.
Next, you will need accessories. Not to worry, these are not that expensive...you just need to always hold a Starbucks coffee in one hand, and a small rat (I mean dog) in the other while texting your friends on your Swarvoski crystalled sidekick and driving in your Mercedes Benz, BMW, or Land Rover.
Now, you have to work on your personality. You can be super-sweet and work with charities, or superfreaky and work for the crackheads. Or you can be out of this world, and become a Scientologist! Either way, you will be popular, it just depends on the people YOU want to surround yourself with.
Next, hook up with a hot celeb. Gay, straight, taken whatever! Just get yourself pregnant!!! This way, people will be vying for photos of your baby. If you can help it, try to have twins. Double the pleasure, you know.
One last thing, and probably the most important. You must develop a vice. Whatever you are addicted to, rest assured there is a rehab for it. The top addictions are listed in the order of popularity: painkillers, alcohol, cocaine, heroin, and crack.
Now that you are equipped with this fine wisdom, go out there and make a fool of yourself (I mean become a celebrity).

Friday, February 09, 2007

We'll Really Miss The Way You ... (The Eulogy Game)




In honor of the untimely death of ex-model/diet spokesperson/ is-she-drunk-or-really-like-that?/ media whore, Miss Anna Nicole Smith, I have created a template for you with which you can create your own eulogy for the Mistress of Trim-Spa. Just copy and paste into the comments section and fill in the blanks (remember mad-libs?) and try to avoid such inane generalizations like those of the eye-brow-challenged Nancy Grace who dropped such gems last night on CNN as "It's hard to fathom that this could happen to someone, frankly, so beautiful..." That what could happen? DIE? Beautiful people don't die? ... er ... uh ... just try to stay classy, folks-- after all, we would like to protect this blog's reputation (what else would you expect from a blog that has multiple posts regarding bodily functions?)...

"What a ______ (adjective) day this is."
That's what Anna Nicole would say, no matter what the weather was or what situation she was facing. So even though we are _________ (participial adjective ending in -ed such as saddened, disheartened, etc.) by our loss, we can be comforted knowing Anna Nicole Smith is having a __________ (adjective) day in ________(place).
Today we celebrate her life and the impact she's had on all of us. And let us not forget the way she always handled herself with _______(noun) and ________ (noun) when times were less-than-perfect.
Anna Nicole could always sense when something wasn't quite right in your life.
Call it intuition or insight or perhaps just an abundance of ______ (noun) for her family and friends. It was easy to talk to her, share whatever your problem was, big or small, and she always had a ________ (noun) for you chock full of ________ (noun).
I'm going to miss that.
Most recently, Anna Nicole could frequently be found in _________ (place) working on her ________ (noun). It seemed the older she got the bigger her _________ (body part or internal organ) got. I'm convinced it was that abundance of _______ (noun) that kept the _________ (noun)____________ (verb ending in -ing) moreso than anyone else around.
Her spirit lives on in all of us. Her _________ (adjective) love of __________ (noun) will not be forgotten.

Thursday, February 08, 2007

Make new friends, but keep the old...




... or ditch the old ones. Really, there is something to be said for a little housecleaning every now and then...

With that in mind, what does it mean to be someone's friend? Why is it so difficult to maintain (not to mention make) friendships after the age of 25-ish? Are all people simply jerks in the end?

It seems as if the older we get, the more difficult it is to maintain friendships, especially with those we connected with long ago and now find that connection to be fraying. Let's face it -- things change. Perhaps in order to fully understand/accept this fact, it may be helpful to look at how we develop friendships throughout the years:

1. childhood friends. Many of these start very early. They usually involve a fight over a shovel in the sandbox or the need to have someone push you on the swingset. In reality it's often you, the kids, who bring your parents together and if the 'rents get along and start socializing, you will find yourself forced to spend time with this other child at picnics, birthday parties, vacations, etc. I call this a friendship of proximity (and perhaps to some extent this type of friendship transcends time -- which is to say not a specific friendship, but Friendship as a whole -- do we not simply affiliate and grow an affinity for those who we spend the majority of our time with and are not these relationships governed by accessibility?). Furthermore, as children, we certainly have no political views, for example, over which to conflict. When our worst problems are poopy pants and arguing over whose mommy packs the best lunch, we can get along with mostly anyone.

2. junior high school friendships. Ladies, let's be honest. Who really had a true friend in junior high? We were mostly too busy talking behind each other's backs, deciding who to align oneself with in the lunchroom and worrying about whether or not people knew when we had our periods to even bother ourselves with so-called "friends". The only criterion a girl had to meet to be your friend in junior high school was that she had to be willing to rush into the bathroom during a school dance to stand around and watch you cry over Johnny Heartbreaker, the boy you had a crush on who had been slow-dancing with that bitch Suzy McSluttypants all night.

3. high school friends. You have survived junior high school and now you have made your way into what you can only assume is the biggest part of the proverbial sea of life (of course you are categorically incorrect in this assumption, but what do you know about life when you are between the ages of 14 and 18 anyway?). You are out on your own, swimming with the sharks! As a little fish, your only option is to find some slightly bigger/stronger/prettier fish to swim around with. This is the key to making friends in high school. If you are lucky, you are cute enough that the cute girls let you hang around with them. If you are athletic (and good at your chosen sport) you can rest assured that your team will protect you. Even band geeks seem to form a united front. Just don't find yourself wading into those deep waters on your own. It's about survival, folks, and we all know what we call the little fishy playing in the water all alone: "lunch".

4. college friends. Once you have gotten over the shock of having left everything/everyone you know and (think you) love for the wild world of dorm/university life, you will probably come to a few startling revelations: a. You are a dork. Even if you thought you were cool in high school you really weren't. You were a dork and you are STILL a dork. b. There are people who come to this realization a little later in life (and still some that never do). These are dorks who don't know they are dorks. c. Booze is the great equalizer. It enables dorks and those who don't think they are dorks but are dorks to find a sense of comraderie. It also leads to making out, but that is an issue for another post. The problem arises when the booze wears off. At this point those who don't think they are dorks but actually are dorks may turn into any combination of the following: mean/ugly/flighty/catty/two-faced. They will probably exhibit behavior akin to that of those girls one used to hang out with in junior high school. I have yet to account for the reason behind this regression. The solution? Stay drunk at all times in college. You will be very, very popular. And you will probably make out with a lot of people. You slut.

5. post-collegiate friendships. Congratulations! You have finally graduated to the "real world", a world in which people can handle mature relationships and balance that with appropriate office etiquette, excellent driving skills, husbands, wives, children, vacations, grocery shopping, taxes, electric bills, the stock market, oil changes, alarm clocks, etc. Of course, the abovementioned "real world" only exists if you live in a 1950's sitcom. For most of us, that "real life" thing hits us with the grace of an elephant on roller skates. It's a rat race/neverending puzzle/shitstorm/pickyourmetaphor and hold on. And to muck it all up even more, those close friends you thought you had have all gotten married/had kids/joined a convent/moved to Canada. Maybe you have gotten married/had kids/joined a convent/moved to Canada. At any rate, it becomes harder and harder to maintain those friendships you swore you'd never give up on. It becomes easier and easier to stay in on Friday night with your honey instead of meeting up with the "crew"/"forget" to call someone back/watch an entire season of "Project Runway" in one sitting instead of inviting someone over for dinner. And let's not even get into those "friends" who suddenly decide they don't like the way you've started living your life and decide to TELL you how you should...

So, Rocket, you say, What's the solution? Well, kids, the trick is to find people who aren't jerks. Also, finding people who enjoy the same activities as you is also helpful. Actually, you don't even have to enjoy the same activities -- it's usually enough to just participate in similar activities. Also, booze never stops working. It's a fact. And finally, remember not to be a jerk yourself. If someone calls you, call them back, even if it's to say you're too busy to chat/hang. Be honest, but keep your opinions to yourself. Make time to connect. And start a blog. Follow these rules and you'll never fail. Just remember, your love will get you through. Witness:

rockethutchinsonhighway: i'm writing a piece for the blog on making/keeping friends. i hope you don't mind (I know you have been thinking about this).

Sara*: you bitch!

rockethutchinsonhighway: haha

Sara*: just kidding - obvi

rockethutchinsonhighway: our friendship is over , isn't it?

Sara*: go right ahead sister. you should add this to your post

rockethutchinsonhighway:i will

Sara*: ha

(Please note: Rocket Hutchinson Highway and Sara* are still BFF after the previous exchange. True friends? For sure.)

Tuesday, February 06, 2007

How to: Sound like a professional.

I started my career in the world of consulting and my 22 year-old brain could not comprehend what some of my co-workers were talking about most of the time. Between following up and touching base I barely had time to work. After about a year I became proficient in the language of consultant-speak and I realized that this language was universal. It was not only used in the land of consulting, but also in the land of design, accounting, finance, teaching, and most other career fields. Below, I've got some tips of the trade that I've picked up in my 5 years of professional (and I mean, professional experience).

  1. Always confirm everything in an e-mail, i.e., "Dear Sir/Madam/Boss: Per our conversation this morning about coffee, I'd like to confirm with you that Dunkin Donuts is indeed far superior to that craptastic one-cup-only coffee maker we've been using. Thank you, Ms. Hearn." (end example)

  2. Always try to touch base with your co-workers and project managers. Touching base prolongs a task. If you touch base about a task you're technically working on it even if you're just touching base and not working. You see? Complicated, I know.

  3. Use phrases in internal meetings like "crosswalk", "regroup", "vet", "sieve", "collaborate", "facilitate", and "low-hanging fruit".

  4. Walk your clients through an idea and by the end of the phone call or meeting, make sure the emphasis is on their brilliant new idea for the project, not yours, theirs.

  5. Try to have at least 2 meetings per day. Try to have two meetings where you talk about upcoming meetings per week. Send out recaps of the meetings in an e-mail to all who are and could-be involved in the project or task.

  6. C.Y.A.

  7. Try to give everyone you work with a 360 degree review.

  8. Nail down how to be passive aggressive over e-mail. As an added bonus, CC: as many co-workers as possible when acting passive aggressively.

  9. Always take food when there is free food at meetings.

  10. Try to keep a list of priority items, action items, and items tagged for follow-up.

  11. Most of all, try to have fun while learning how to be a corporate drone. It makes life a lot easier if you can laugh at yourself and those around you.

Friday, February 02, 2007

The number deux




Oh, how agonizing is it when we find an impending urge to purge our intestinal waste and we find ourselves very far from home! We sit and squirm at our desks, trying to ignore the abdominal and back pain, and finally, we must surrender to the physiological need and go number 2.
So let's say you are in a public restroom. The dream scenario is that you are at a theme park or casino, where the flushes are like small typhoons and it's extremely loud with music and kids running in and out. There you can settle in and go (please see Rocket's piece on How to use a public restroom) and do your doo. Plus, the smells are pre-existing so you can be anonymous with your poo. You can go worry-free.
The real test is in the workplace. Not only will you see these people again, but they know your shoes!!! The best time to go is on a "low traffic" time. Never go BEFORE or DURING lunch, which is between 12 -2 pm.
To minimize noise, you can pad the toilet with toilet paper. It will also minimize on the splash up effect that may sometimes happen (and if it does, you may want to look into what you are eating, poo should not drop like the atom bomb). You can also try to go (if people are coming in and out) in between flushes, water running, doors opening, and when people get their paper towels. You have to work fast though in order to pull this off. It's not for rookies.
Now, sometimes you may have the person who came in to do a number deux too. I am afraid to tell you, if that person doesn't want to leave, you're shit out of luck (pun intended). You have just put yourself in a reluctant STAND-OFF. You can wait it out, but if you don't want your co-workers wondering where you are, just book out of there (wash your hands of course). Chances are, they won't come out until you're gone anyway.
Now you are armed, and if you are modest, carry a small bottle of cheap perfume and douse the place. People prefer the smell of a cheap brothel than what you had for dinner last night. :-)