How to: Sound like a professional.

I started my career in the world of consulting and my 22 year-old brain could not comprehend what some of my co-workers were talking about most of the time. Between following up and touching base I barely had time to work. After about a year I became proficient in the language of consultant-speak and I realized that this language was universal. It was not only used in the land of consulting, but also in the land of design, accounting, finance, teaching, and most other career fields. Below, I've got some tips of the trade that I've picked up in my 5 years of professional (and I mean, professional experience).

1. Always confirm everything in an e-mail, i.e., "Dear Sir/Madam/Boss: Per our conversation this morning about coffee, I'd like to confirm with you that Dunkin Donuts is indeed far superior to that craptastic one-cup-only coffee maker we've been using. Thank you, Ms. Hearn." (end example)


2. Always try to touch base with your co-workers and project managers. Touching base prolongs a task. If you touch base about a task you're technically working on it even if you're just touching base and not working. You see? Complicated, I know.


3. Use phrases in internal meetings like "crosswalk", "regroup", "vet", "sieve", "collaborate", "facilitate", and "low-hanging fruit".


4. Walk your clients through an idea and by the end of the phone call or meeting, make sure the emphasis is on their brilliant new idea for the project, not yours, theirs.


5. Try to have at least 2 meetings per day. Try to have two meetings where you talk about upcoming meetings per week. Send out recaps of the meetings in an e-mail to all who are and could-be involved in the project or task.


6. C.Y.A.


7. Try to give everyone you work with a 360 degree review.


8. Nail down how to be passive aggressive over e-mail. As an added bonus, CC: as many co-workers as possible when acting passive aggressively.


9. Always take food when there is free food at meetings.


10. Try to keep a list of priority items, action items, and items tagged for follow-up.


11. Most of all, try to have fun while learning how to be a corporate drone. It makes life a lot easier if you can laugh at yourself and those around you.