How to drive in NJ

Ah, NJ. The Garden State. Makes you think of flowers and rolling green hills, not sewage smells and pothole laden roads. On the perilous freeways lurk the drivers well-known by the metonym "Jersey Driver."

Folks, the "Jersey Driver" is "intelligent." The JD drives on the wrong side in a parking lot, always "blocks the box," like the cockblocker ugly chick at the bar. JD's love to cut you off on the road, only to go 20 mph slower than you were going when they cut you off. They also like to honk a millisecond after the light turns green, and my personal fave, run through red lights and stop signs. They don't believe in yielding. In this state, I have witnessed them blow by school buses and make illegal left turns.

If you have to drive regularly around here, read below and take precaution:

Always look around you when driving. There is no conversation to be had while you are driving and if so, don't take your eyes off the road. Because as soon as you do, that old lady is going to blow past that yield and ram into your car, claiming that you were in her blind spot. Not to mention that man is texting on his cell phone while gelling his hair in the fashion of Sonic the Hedgehog.

Wait a couple of seconds before going after the light turns green. Since there are no cameras on streetlights in NJ, JD's blow past them like you blew on dandelions as a child. Don't say I didn't warn ya.

Don't get caught up in road rage. Trust me, this is A LOT HARDER THAN IT SOUNDS. People will do crazy things, like cut you off and then hit their brakes because you've wronged them by just being on the road. Take it easy. There are a lot of young people out there who haven't figured out how to figure out that actions go hand in hand with consequences.

Yield to drivers. Just because they don't lend you the same courtesy doesn't mean you can't "pay it forward" to the next driver. If more people were like you, we'd have a lot less accidents.

Ok, I have nothing against Mexican laborers, but damn it! Everytime they are on the road they drive like my grandmother on morphine. For the love of God, we all know there are 50 of you crammed in the back of that pickup truck so you don't want to get pulled over, but we got places to go too! Don't wind up behind those bastards. Just proceed with caution and move the hell on.

This part is not about drivers, it's about pedestrians. It's important that you look at those "waiting" to cross. I say "waiting" because they really just walk into the street and don't look for cars that may be coming. Remember, pedestrians ALWAYS have the right of way, no matter how much that sucks. And apparently people in NJ are not used to cars constantly going down the street or are well aware of my former statement and don't give a crap. They are just going to walk onto the street and you will have to deal with that.

Well, if you follow these tips you should get home in one piece. For some practice, drive on Routes 17, 3, 1 & 9, and the Garden State Parkway.