Holding your own in a poker tourney

Above: The coveted "royal flush"



Playing poker can be very intimidating when they are a bunch of men sitting around you. You have to wonder, I know they think I am a lousy player, so you really want to show them you belong. You chug beer, swear like your plumber, and sit with your legs (gasp!) open. So now that you have acclimated to the testosterone filled environment, it's time for attitude to set in.

You know what, no matter what you see the pros do, don't wear those damn sunglasses! What's the matter with you, you don't know how to hide your excitement or disappointment over the cards you got? No one needs to know what you have. If you're the kind of person who can't keep a secret, your dumb ass doesn't belong at a poker game. You need to act like you know what you're doing. Pretend you have some knowledge of the game. Yeah, you got pocket Aces, and you're not gonna let them see you sweat.

Stop looking at your cards, do you think they're going to magically change? If they are good, they are good. If they are bad then fake it or fold. Don't keep checking a bad hand, the other players will know you are either nervous or have nothing. Remember what you have and stop checking it against the community cards. The only time you should do that is if you want people to think you are checking them, which means you are bluffing. Your cards are as related as I am to Bill Clinton, but you want people to be nervous and think you have a hand. This only works if the community cards can follow a flush, straight, or pair.

Talk. Talk about everything and anything but don't talk about the cards. Everyone there should think, damn, why is she so relaxed? She must have a good hand! Do I want to go against her. Smile when the flop is dealt, these are the cards of your dreams! Or where have you been 6 of hearts...who knows? Maybe you have a pair of 6s. Nobody knows what you got. That three of a kind will make you less popular than the person who carries the "666" moniker. You just want to win, so you better damn well smile. People need to know you are a force to be reckoned with.

So now what are you gonna do? Well, if you have a good hand, be aggressive, b-e aggressive! Now you don't want to scare people, maybe you want to bet a little, going up and up. If you are playing with newbies, don't go all-in. Their dumb asses will call you and if they get lucky (like they normally do), you will be out of chips. And you deserve to be in there, because you are a good player. So be smart and lay low. Be conservative with the newbies, aggressive with the pros. They will know you have a hand and either back off or step up. But you have a good hand, and you must play it! This is gambling people!

Now that you've trash-talked, bluffed, burped, and turned yourself into this bloated, cursing, effective player, it's time for you to remember why you came: TO WIN! Keep that winning attitude and you are sure to be "in the money." Isn't that why you entered this damn thing to begin with?

To test your skills: Don't be a donkey and All In Bitches