Monday, January 29, 2007

How to Manipulate Time and Space


Actually, I'm still working on the "space" thing, but I think I've found the key to manipulating time (and it has nothing to do with such complicated technology as flux capacitors)...

Don't you just hate when a maniacal madman hides a ticking time-bomb in the basement of your office building (you know, the kind with the giant, red, blinking, digital numbers letting you know just how many seconds you have left until "boom"-doom)? Meanwhile, the sexy bomb-squad leader who resembles Brad Pitt/Val Kilmer/Ewan McGregor/young Robert Redford/[insert attractive-man-of-choice here] is stuck in traffic on the BQE/George Washington Bridge/GSP/NJ Turnpike/[insert well-known-traffic-heavy-route here]? A crowd has gathered 'round the explosives now ... your boss' forehead is glistening with beads of sweat ... a frightening silence spreads across the room ... tick-tick-tick (okay, so digital clocks don't "tick", but for the sake of suspense, bear with me)... five ... four ... Where is our hero? ... three ...
We're all gonna blow! ... two ... Suddenly you realize ... it's up to you to save the day ...

It's moment like these when the power to control time would come in especially handy. That's why I've decided to share my secret with the likes of you, dear readers. Just choose one of these simple methods and you'll be the one receiving accolades for your brilliant display of cunning wit and bravery under pressure...

1. Fall in love (or lust or just really-really like someone). Call your "obsession" when you KNOW s/he is unavailable. Leave a message. Now stare at your phone and "will" him/her to call you back. Under NO circumstances should you divert your attention away from your phone. DO NOT engage in any other activities that may distract you from your purpose (remember, you are trying to control time here -- it may take a little extra concentration than you are used to exerting and even something as mundane as trimming your toenails may interfere with the process). Repeat the following mantra and do not desist until either someone does call you back or the crisis is averted: Call me. Call me. Call me. Trust me, time will decelerate to a slow crawl...

2. Go to the DMV. I am convinced every single Department of Motor Vehicles office was built over some sort of strange time-bending magnetic field that causes not only those who are employed within the building to move inexplicably slowly (think: molasses on queludes), but also causes the second-hand of any analog clock to move 2 seconds backwards for every 1 second forward. This may also work in post offices. It's probably a government conspiracy employed to distract us from larger issues (such as global warming, war-spending, genocide in certain African countries, and what Taco Bell "meat" is really made of), but while we're allowing ourselves to have the wool pulled over our eyes, we might as well get something in return.

3. Get a job. I think we can all agree that the hours between 9am and 5pm (or whatever 8+ hours you put in before "Miller-Time") tend to spread themselves over about 14 hours on average. Seriously. If you don't believe me, do the math.

4. Build a time machine. (I'm not claiming that I know anything about how to go about doing this, but it just seemed like I should include it on this list.)

5. Visit some old people. The more old people you can fit into a room, the better. Ask them to tell you stories about their various gall bladder/hip-knee-shoulder replacement/artificial heart surgeries. This may seem like a waste of your precious time, but studies have shown that God actually slows time down while old people talk about disgusting medical procedures just so you can feel yourself aging while listening to them .

Any one or combination of the above mentioned methods should do the trick. And if you notice a blip in the time-space continuum sometime within the next few days, it's probably just me trying to save the world/waiting for my boyfriend to call/registering my car/sitting at my desk/and listening to Grandma Highway talk about her kidney stones.

8 comments:

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Anonymous said...

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Anonymous said...

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Anonymous said...

I'm looking forward to getting more information about this topic, don't worry about negative opinions.

Eric said...

lame and gay!

Anonymous said...

I did not master the ability but i could quicken time when im sick...

I am not used to it so im creeped out by how calm people talk... not high pitched ether

People walk from room to room in less than a second

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