How to Negotiate a Public Restroom

In my experience, public restrooms were not designed with a woman in mind. First of all, they are generally about as clean as the underside of a sweaty elephant who has been rolling around in the mud to stay cool. Secondly, and particularly in women’s bathrooms, the person who utilized the facility immediately before you has deposited at least one perfectly placed pubic hair and more than a few droplets of urine on the actual toilet seat. This has always baffled me. While I understand perhaps one might not want to place one’s own naked tush upon a piece of plastic that has recently enjoyed the company of someone else's naked tush, I don’t understand how marking one’s territory with the aforementioned pube/urine dribble is of any assistance to the prior user. I mean, really. This custom (along with other generic yuckiness) is exemplified in what I like to call "the worst of the worst": the grocery store bathroom. Grocery store restrooms are usually located through two heavy swinging doors positioned somewhere between the pork butts and chicken livers. Those not deterred by the facility’s location will undoubtedly find themselves navigating through a dimly lit storage room , trying to find the door marked with the figure of a woman. Having received directions imparted from a woman named “Sheila” at the customer service desk (through the double doors between the pork butts and chicken livers, take a right at the milk crates and it’s just past the body of Jimmy Hoffa…), one would think it would be easy to find. Usually one must also confirm said directions with the lone old man donning a hair net and rubber gloves and way too much acne for someone over the age of 50, who is staring at you with his wandering lazy eye . He will, however, be elated to show you directly to the restroom door, only to wait outside and breathe heavily until you come back out.

There are a few different approaches one can take one you are actually inside the restroom. If you are lucky, the “management” has provided you with a “sani-cover”, aka a thin piece of tissue paper cut in the shape of a toilet seat which you are supposed to place atop the toilet seat to protect your nether-regions from the plethora of diseases hiding in the bowl. Most of the time, however, if you notice a receptacle for these papers, it will be out of stock.

At this time, take a look around the facility. You may need to get creative. Also, feel free to giggle outright at the glaringly ironic sign on the door which states, “If this facility requires attention, please alert one of our associates immediately.” Once you have finished laughing hysterically, resume your search for some other item which will allow you to separate your precious organs from impending infection. If there is no blow torch with which you might purify the seat nor a giant bottle of industrial strength bleach or lye, you may have to resort to a method most of us women are still trying to perfect … the “squat ‘n’ pee”.

WARNING: Do not make your first attempt at this endeavor in a particularly icky restroom. The author of this posting and the administrators of this blog take no responsibility for the injuries one may sustain and/or the diseases one may contract based on the advice provided herein. The following method requires months, if not years, of practice before one might be considered ready to “rock n roll”. We suggest you begin in the woods behind your house. Also, when practicing, please note your legs should always be uphill and upwind from your “spout”.

A few quick items to remember:

1. Be prepared. Realize you may fail at your first few attempts. For this reason, always keep large amounts of instant hand sanitizer within arm's reach at all times.

2. Build up your muscles. This includes not only your leg muscles but also those muscles that control the process of urination. Fortunately when we are potty trained, we pick up the ability to decide when and where to “go”. The ability to stop and start on a whim, however, can be a little more complicated. Practice at home in front of a mirror. Make it a game. See how quickly you can stop the stream from the moment you let it out.

3. Have a “Plan B”. Such a plan might include a family size bottle of instant hand sanitizer (just because it is labeled “hand-sanitizer” does not necessarily mean it can ONLY be used on hands), a spare pair of underwear and shoes, and a bottle of perfume (the latter is more for distraction from the scent of urine that will be emanating from your corpus should you fall).

Once you have been practicing for at least three months, you may feel you are ready to go forth and try your skills in the field. But before you do, try to commit the following cautionary tale to memory:

There once was a girl from Nantucket
Who tried to 'go' in a bucket
Though try as she might
She lost in the fight,
Fell on her ass and said f*%k it.

Good luck, ladies.