How to survive in the workplace

In order to survive in the workplace, you must fly under the radar. Always look busy, and never start a scandal in the office. People never forget that. There are several ways to look busy. If you are the type of person who likes to wander around and talk, make sure you don't speak loudly, and everytime you get up from your desk, have a file in your hand? What? You say you don't work with paper? No problem- carry a CD or diskette. Just make sure you have a prop in case the boss passes by.

Another way to stay busy - don't talk. Just listen to your headphones and constantly type. Make sure you have more than one window open so you can click on a "valid" window (such as your email, your work homepage, etc.) Make sure you memorize the sound of your boss walking so you know their steps. I always hear my boss's keys and heavy breathing. His gait is pretty easy to determine.

Stay out of office gossip. It is very tempting and hard to ignore, but keep your opinions to yourself. Try not to listen, or you will be an accomplice when the shit hits the fan. Just nod and listen, or keep your eyes fixed to your computer screen. A perceptive person will stop talking after a while.

Offer to work on projects that keep your boss off your back for a while. This way, you only have to deal with them in short intervals, instead of on a steady basis. The bigger the project, the better. Try to keep communication via email, so your boss never has to pass by your desk and see what you're up to. A weekly email on your "progress" will keep them at arm's length.

Don't do office romance. If it works, people will speculate about your relationship. If it doesn't, you will have to see the schmuck every day. Do you really want that?

Now- GET BACK TO WORK!